I have bright red hair

but the photos don't do it justice so you'll just have to wait to see it in it's full technicolour glory next time we meet!

I have always wanted to have bright red hair and now I do.  They made it go blonde before they put the red on and I quite liked it, so watch this space, I may have yellow hair next time!

Constructive

Today was a very constructive day, in more way that one.

Joe and I built a fence, from scratch, and painted it.  Now we have privacy and security in our back yard.  It feels good.

When we first moved in, we decided to build a fence, but rather than build a solid one, we built one with a trellis, so as not to  block out our neighbours - to be a bit more sociable.  Although this seemed like the right thing to do, we have struggled since, because our neighbours haven't been very sociable, so we've not used our garden as much as we'd have liked.

So, because we're moving, we decided to build a solid fence for our tenants, so they have privacy.  But now we've done and it it looks and feels so good, we wondered why we didn't just stop being so considerate to our inconsiderate neighbours and build the fence ages ago, so we could enjoy our garden more while we were here?

I think this is an example of where I need to get a better  balance between being considerate of others and my own needs.  Sometimes the balance is too skewed to my detriment.  It's ok to put myself first.

Inspired by my brother's girlfriend's dad, I moved the hanging baskets from the hooks on the wall and put them on pots along the new fence and it looks really good.

It was a lovely warm sunny day too, and we started packing!

Desired things....

My lovely work colleague and friend Rachael shared a poem with me today.  I've done a bit of research on it and found the full version.  It's a prose poem called Desiderata (latin for "desired things") by American writer Max Ehrmann.  

I often worry myself about a range of things, get down on myself and my inadequacies, so poems and writings like these help me to get a bit of perspective, focus on the important things and have some faith in myself.  They also reassure me that I am not alone in my worries as they are obviously things that have troubled at least one other person (either the writer or someone the writer is addressing).

I decided today that, once I've moved to my new haven of tranquility, I will get back to making time to reflect on my life and the good I've done and all the things/people I hold dear rather what I haven't done and could have done better.  I need to  keep focus on what's important, to fill my life with as much positive, creative activity, thought and people as possible and tell myself I'm doing ok, rather than beating myself up and (sometimes quite literally) gazing at my navel.  Otherwise I feel rotten.

Although I feel I'm a natural optimist, I also feel like I'm a bit of a black dog too, so it is hard work to keep on the bright side.   But the hard work, when I've got the energy and mental space, is worth it in the end - practice makes perfect.  When I've made time for this in the past I have felt the best I feel.   My heart is a muscle and the pump of my soul and, just like any other muscle or bit of kit, needs a regular service and a good fitness regime.  The thing is, when I need to stick to it the most is usually the time I find it most difficult to, but I am finding more and more that the more I do it the longer the effects spill over into the harder times.

I've lived in a very unpeaceful place for a while now and I've found it hard to find peace.  I'm hoping my new home and surroundings will be more of the sanctuary I need, rather than a place to dread coming home to, whether consciously or on a deep level.  

This piece of writing has reminded me not to listen to the news so much and to put my protection bubble on when I know I'm going to encounter negative, draining people.   As a human emotion sponge, I mop other people's moods, which are often down and destructive and they distract me from my focus.  I am getting to know myself better and becoming kinder to myself. I need to work on protecting myself, whilst keeping and unleashing the open, optimistic, creative and generous person I  know I am, but needs coaxing out again.

This poem also reminds me a bit of that Gil Scott Heron thing as I imagine it read to music in the 70s for some reason!

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy"

I love this chap - Kaa from Jungle Book.  He sings "Trust in me" and I need to do this a bit more (trust in myself, rather than in hypnotic pythons, that is)

Squeaky clean

I had my first shower in 17 days = heaven.  I now smell lovely and feel all soft.  Clean jimjams and bedding.  Mmmm...

Someone who cares enough to care

Today I am counting my blessings regarding the fact I am usually relatively healthy and mobile and how important this is.  I've known it for a while, but I've really started to feel it for the first time over the past couple of weeks.  This is on account of the fact I had an operation on  my foot almost two weeks ago, which has left me virtually bed-ridden and highly dependent on others.  Here are a few observations/experiences that have focused my mind on the fundamental impact that mobility and independence can have on an individual:

1. Dignity - I've not been able to have a shower which means I've had to have a strip wash at the sink.  Because I've had to do this standing on one leg, it's meant I've had to have someone with me when I do it.  I'm not a self-conscious person but this experience has troubled me as my husband has seen in in my most private and vulnerable state. 
2. Mobility - The impact is two fold
• I've had to keep the weight off my left foot and can only get around with crutches.  This means I can't get around to do the most basic of things so I have to ask/instruct someone else to do these things for me.  Having to ask all the time is tiring and uncomfortable, but I have to for survival.  This makes me very dependent.  Then once I've asked I have to give detailed instructions to someone to do something for me that is usually 2nd nature to me (eg. getting my clothes out ready to wear).  Articulating something that you do automatically is very mentally tiring.  I then started to think "it's not worth the effort" and not get dressed, or tidy up, or wash my hair for example.  This has had an impact on my mood and my confidence.  I've also found my brain has got a bit mushy. There's only so much TV, knitting, doing the same things you can take.  I sought out some brain training on the internet last night, and it felt good!  I've also found I'm really tired - even though I'm doing nothing. It's like my body has gone into sleep mode as I'm not using it much.
• The couple of times I have been out of the house, for an exciting trip out to the supermarket I've used a wheelchair once I got there.  Woah, this was the ultimate in powerlessness.  I was at the mercy of the person who was pushing and where they wanted to stop.  I had to really speak up if I wanted to stop and sometimes they didn't hear in time.  Also, being at a lower level than everyone else meant no one looked at me so human contact was reduced.  But an upside was that I got a new view of the world - saw things at this lower level that I don't usually see (children, animals, stock on lower shelves)
3. Dependence - I guess this is the fundamental driver of the other feelings and experiences I had - As the above things point to, I can so clearly see how vulnerable I am to abuse through my dependence. 

In all the things I described, if I didn't have such kind and positive people around me, I could really be up shit creek without a paddle, and the sad thing is that not everyone who has mobility problems has such great people around them.  You often hear stories about how vulnerable people of all ages end up experiencing terrible abuse and death, or even a less violent but slow decline in mental and physical health.  It just reminds me how important it is to ensure person-centred support is available for all that need it, and that finances for this growing group is prioritised.

I'm also glad my situation is only temporary.  I've had just a little insight into the daily struggle many people experience and how strong (physically and mentally) they must be to do some of the most basic things I usually take for granted.  I'm really going to try hard not to moan about having to walk somewhere in the future or moan that I can't be arsed to exercise.  I can so I will.

Thank you Mum, Joe, Dad, Andrea, Helena, Irene, Rachael, Katie, Tricia, Jack, Ria, Ethan and Ami-Mai for looking after me over the past couple of weeks and beyond.  You really can see the good/selfless side of people in this situation and I am humbled.

Goin' to the country, gonna find me a bit of pe-ace...

At last, I'm leaving Sneinton.  It has served me well for nearly 7 years, but it's definitely time for a change.  From one extreme to the other.  I'm moving from an old lace worker's house the middle of a very busy and densely populated city to live in an old farm worker's cottage on the edge of a field, near a woods in the middle of the Vale of Belvoir, next to a village called Cropwell Bishop which has it's own creamery that makes it's own very tastey cheese.  Now that's a turn up for the books.  And... relax.

We'll be surrounded by cheese, Gromit.
http://www.cropwellbishopstilton.com/
http://www.colstonbassettdairy.com/

Dreams...
http://www.colstonbassettstore.com/
http://www.themartinsarms.co.uk/index.htm

http://www.cropwellbishopplan.co.uk/
http://www.belvoircastle.com/
http://www.belvoirfruitfarms.co.uk/

I've got a gig - the first in 5 years and as a solo artiste!!