I have bright red hair

but the photos don't do it justice so you'll just have to wait to see it in it's full technicolour glory next time we meet!

I have always wanted to have bright red hair and now I do.  They made it go blonde before they put the red on and I quite liked it, so watch this space, I may have yellow hair next time!

Constructive

Today was a very constructive day, in more way that one.

Joe and I built a fence, from scratch, and painted it.  Now we have privacy and security in our back yard.  It feels good.

When we first moved in, we decided to build a fence, but rather than build a solid one, we built one with a trellis, so as not to  block out our neighbours - to be a bit more sociable.  Although this seemed like the right thing to do, we have struggled since, because our neighbours haven't been very sociable, so we've not used our garden as much as we'd have liked.

So, because we're moving, we decided to build a solid fence for our tenants, so they have privacy.  But now we've done and it it looks and feels so good, we wondered why we didn't just stop being so considerate to our inconsiderate neighbours and build the fence ages ago, so we could enjoy our garden more while we were here?

I think this is an example of where I need to get a better  balance between being considerate of others and my own needs.  Sometimes the balance is too skewed to my detriment.  It's ok to put myself first.

Inspired by my brother's girlfriend's dad, I moved the hanging baskets from the hooks on the wall and put them on pots along the new fence and it looks really good.

It was a lovely warm sunny day too, and we started packing!

Desired things....

My lovely work colleague and friend Rachael shared a poem with me today.  I've done a bit of research on it and found the full version.  It's a prose poem called Desiderata (latin for "desired things") by American writer Max Ehrmann.  

I often worry myself about a range of things, get down on myself and my inadequacies, so poems and writings like these help me to get a bit of perspective, focus on the important things and have some faith in myself.  They also reassure me that I am not alone in my worries as they are obviously things that have troubled at least one other person (either the writer or someone the writer is addressing).

I decided today that, once I've moved to my new haven of tranquility, I will get back to making time to reflect on my life and the good I've done and all the things/people I hold dear rather what I haven't done and could have done better.  I need to  keep focus on what's important, to fill my life with as much positive, creative activity, thought and people as possible and tell myself I'm doing ok, rather than beating myself up and (sometimes quite literally) gazing at my navel.  Otherwise I feel rotten.

Although I feel I'm a natural optimist, I also feel like I'm a bit of a black dog too, so it is hard work to keep on the bright side.   But the hard work, when I've got the energy and mental space, is worth it in the end - practice makes perfect.  When I've made time for this in the past I have felt the best I feel.   My heart is a muscle and the pump of my soul and, just like any other muscle or bit of kit, needs a regular service and a good fitness regime.  The thing is, when I need to stick to it the most is usually the time I find it most difficult to, but I am finding more and more that the more I do it the longer the effects spill over into the harder times.

I've lived in a very unpeaceful place for a while now and I've found it hard to find peace.  I'm hoping my new home and surroundings will be more of the sanctuary I need, rather than a place to dread coming home to, whether consciously or on a deep level.  

This piece of writing has reminded me not to listen to the news so much and to put my protection bubble on when I know I'm going to encounter negative, draining people.   As a human emotion sponge, I mop other people's moods, which are often down and destructive and they distract me from my focus.  I am getting to know myself better and becoming kinder to myself. I need to work on protecting myself, whilst keeping and unleashing the open, optimistic, creative and generous person I  know I am, but needs coaxing out again.

This poem also reminds me a bit of that Gil Scott Heron thing as I imagine it read to music in the 70s for some reason!

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy"

I love this chap - Kaa from Jungle Book.  He sings "Trust in me" and I need to do this a bit more (trust in myself, rather than in hypnotic pythons, that is)

Squeaky clean

I had my first shower in 17 days = heaven.  I now smell lovely and feel all soft.  Clean jimjams and bedding.  Mmmm...

Someone who cares enough to care

Today I am counting my blessings regarding the fact I am usually relatively healthy and mobile and how important this is.  I've known it for a while, but I've really started to feel it for the first time over the past couple of weeks.  This is on account of the fact I had an operation on  my foot almost two weeks ago, which has left me virtually bed-ridden and highly dependent on others.  Here are a few observations/experiences that have focused my mind on the fundamental impact that mobility and independence can have on an individual:

1. Dignity - I've not been able to have a shower which means I've had to have a strip wash at the sink.  Because I've had to do this standing on one leg, it's meant I've had to have someone with me when I do it.  I'm not a self-conscious person but this experience has troubled me as my husband has seen in in my most private and vulnerable state. 
2. Mobility - The impact is two fold
• I've had to keep the weight off my left foot and can only get around with crutches.  This means I can't get around to do the most basic of things so I have to ask/instruct someone else to do these things for me.  Having to ask all the time is tiring and uncomfortable, but I have to for survival.  This makes me very dependent.  Then once I've asked I have to give detailed instructions to someone to do something for me that is usually 2nd nature to me (eg. getting my clothes out ready to wear).  Articulating something that you do automatically is very mentally tiring.  I then started to think "it's not worth the effort" and not get dressed, or tidy up, or wash my hair for example.  This has had an impact on my mood and my confidence.  I've also found my brain has got a bit mushy. There's only so much TV, knitting, doing the same things you can take.  I sought out some brain training on the internet last night, and it felt good!  I've also found I'm really tired - even though I'm doing nothing. It's like my body has gone into sleep mode as I'm not using it much.
• The couple of times I have been out of the house, for an exciting trip out to the supermarket I've used a wheelchair once I got there.  Woah, this was the ultimate in powerlessness.  I was at the mercy of the person who was pushing and where they wanted to stop.  I had to really speak up if I wanted to stop and sometimes they didn't hear in time.  Also, being at a lower level than everyone else meant no one looked at me so human contact was reduced.  But an upside was that I got a new view of the world - saw things at this lower level that I don't usually see (children, animals, stock on lower shelves)
3. Dependence - I guess this is the fundamental driver of the other feelings and experiences I had - As the above things point to, I can so clearly see how vulnerable I am to abuse through my dependence. 

In all the things I described, if I didn't have such kind and positive people around me, I could really be up shit creek without a paddle, and the sad thing is that not everyone who has mobility problems has such great people around them.  You often hear stories about how vulnerable people of all ages end up experiencing terrible abuse and death, or even a less violent but slow decline in mental and physical health.  It just reminds me how important it is to ensure person-centred support is available for all that need it, and that finances for this growing group is prioritised.

I'm also glad my situation is only temporary.  I've had just a little insight into the daily struggle many people experience and how strong (physically and mentally) they must be to do some of the most basic things I usually take for granted.  I'm really going to try hard not to moan about having to walk somewhere in the future or moan that I can't be arsed to exercise.  I can so I will.

Thank you Mum, Joe, Dad, Andrea, Helena, Irene, Rachael, Katie, Tricia, Jack, Ria, Ethan and Ami-Mai for looking after me over the past couple of weeks and beyond.  You really can see the good/selfless side of people in this situation and I am humbled.

Goin' to the country, gonna find me a bit of pe-ace...

At last, I'm leaving Sneinton.  It has served me well for nearly 7 years, but it's definitely time for a change.  From one extreme to the other.  I'm moving from an old lace worker's house the middle of a very busy and densely populated city to live in an old farm worker's cottage on the edge of a field, near a woods in the middle of the Vale of Belvoir, next to a village called Cropwell Bishop which has it's own creamery that makes it's own very tastey cheese.  Now that's a turn up for the books.  And... relax.

We'll be surrounded by cheese, Gromit.
http://www.cropwellbishopstilton.com/
http://www.colstonbassettdairy.com/

Dreams...
http://www.colstonbassettstore.com/
http://www.themartinsarms.co.uk/index.htm

http://www.cropwellbishopplan.co.uk/
http://www.belvoircastle.com/
http://www.belvoirfruitfarms.co.uk/

I've got a gig - the first in 5 years and as a solo artiste!!

Feathery families

On my bike ride to work today I came across a group of Canada Geese goslings swimming along in a line, lead by one parent and ushered from behind by the other, forming a lovely line of a feathery family.  On my bike ride home from work, I saw the the same family of geese going home the other way, in exactly the same formation!  I wonder how they spent their day...  I wonder if they noticed me and thought "wow, look at that human propelling herself so deftly on that magic balancing machine".

Midsummer bliss

This is one of my favourite parts of the year - it's light all day long - in the morning when I wake up and at night when I go to bed.  Fills me right up.  I've been cycling 3 miles along the canal to work and back again and have seen the emergence of spring through the trees, plants and wildlife.

One of my most treasured moments over the past few weeks has been when, on more than one occasion,  a heron or two take flight along the course of the water beside me.  They fly up behind me, and, as they fly along, for a time, it feels like I'm flying with them, gliding along beside them on my bike along the towpath.  Truly amazing.

Today I noticed some rather promisingly bountious blackberry bushes along my route to work.  Roll on late summer - lunch/commuter-time berry harvesting here I come.

Spring has sprung - it's official

March 21st welcomes in spring officially as it's the spring equinox - when the days start getting longer that the nights.  Hu-bloody-rah!  And it's sunny in Nottingham - bonus

Spring has sprung (ish)

On Thursday I walked the 3 miles/1 hour to walk along the Nottingham Canal.  It was the first day of sunshine in a long time, and it was also warm.  Oh my days!!  It felt so good!  I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and sooth my soul, which tends to struggle in the dark days of winter.  I saw ducks chasing each other for a bit of spring-time love.  One particularly amazing thing was as a gaggle of geese took flight along the line of the canal.  I looked back as I heard them coming, and as they were at my head height, for an instant as they swooped past me I felt like I took a little part of the flight with them!!!  I also saw a few purple and yellow crocuses poking out of the brown deadness of the woodland floor.  My day started as a black dog day, but by the time I'd marched to work I was high as a kite, having a sun-kissed white stallion kind of a day!!!!  The power of nature and the human body working together!!

Music in me

After meeting up with an old old friend, with whom I shared some very formative years and experiences, I went through a turmolt of feelings.  This was good really.  I had a few things to get out of my system, which I did by talking to my old friend, by having a good cry - letting go of feelings I've been holding on to for years, and by spewing my feelings into some song lyrics.  

I've not written any lyrics for years, which has been weird for me, so it felt like I was finding a part of me again.  I also played my guitar and sang my heart out, which also made me feel better.  Music is a huge part of who I am, but in recent years I've not expressed it, so recently I've been rediscovering my musical spirit and soothing it by playing, singing and writing.  I'm always surprised at how much it boosts me.  And I'm starting to remember more often now.  It's the thing that makes me feel the best, heals me the most, but the thing I do the least.  It's like it's a bit too much of a luxury, too indulgent, and I should be doing more practical things first.  But it's probably the most effective and cheapest form of therapy open to me!

I'm aware how cheesy it must sound to say the healing power of music, but for me it's what keeps me sane.  

Job satisfaction!!

I've got a new job!

Why TV Ruined My Life - no more

I watched the 3rd episode of this great series by Charlie Brooker.  He articulates so well what I have felt for years about TV and lots of other things.  All three episodes, but especially this one, just say everything about why I got rid of my TV 5 years ago.  I used to feel physically and spiritually sick from a lot of the shit on it.  And people just lap it up, think it's real and can't see they are being conned in so many ways.  Since having a TV I feel so much better about the world and myself.  I hope I don't sound too smug.  I just don't want to do things that make me feel bad. Now I get the best of both worlds - I just pick the few things I really want to watch and can ignore most of the other crap (altho' I do have a guilty pleasure in some crime drama!).  Joe and I talk to each other more, I read more, and just do more stuff. I can thoroughly recommend it.  Your life will improve if you shake off the shackles of TV and face the fear of being TV-less - it's ace.

You can watch the programme here

I tried coffee from a coffee shop for the first time today.  I've only had coffee on my honeymoon.  It was decaf and quite nice, but left a strong coffee taste in my mouth all day.  A boy on the bus gave me some chewing gum, and I got paranoid that my breath was smelly. I don't think I will drink coffee very much in the future, but I am pleased I tried it.

I went for a wonderful walk around the lake at University Park today.  It was sunny at times.  There were plenty of people about and I always love to see people enjoying open space in the city.  I saw two heron and many magpie.

In the last week...

I left Nottinghamshire County Council - hurrah!
My buddies at NCC gave me a good send off.
I recorded a very rough acoustic version of me singing my favourite Cure song
I made a table cloth
I met friends for lunch
I watched some films of me playing the guitar and singing in Agebaby c.1995
I've found time to read during the day, rather than just at bedtime.

11/1/11

My Dad reached the ripe old age of 64 today.  Congratulations to him and congratulations to me.
Last year he had a little celebration on the he reached the age his Dad never did.
My Dad was a young man when the Beatles released When I'm 64.  It must be a surreal moment for him, thinking back to then, how he might have perceived a 64-year old then and being one himself now.  I don't thing he is like the olden days 64.  He'll always be about 40 to me.
A day to count my blessings!

11 things to do in 2011

List of 11 things to do in 2011 (not necessarily in order)

1. Maintain work-life balance -  enjoy, embrace, relax and be confident in my new career whilst keeping it in perspective

2. Make photobooks of holidays

3. Spend more quality time with my mum and Ami-Mai and Ethan

4. Do a gig and record a song

5. Continue to look after myself by investing in having a healthy and resilient body and mind, including getting down to 10st 7lb and staying there

6. Get more intellectual stimulation - read more, discuss more, essays/comic strips on my blog, see below

7. Have more fun/do more things that make me feel good and whole - go to gigs, comedy, talks, cinema, horseriding, lindyhop, day trips, weekends away

8. See friends

9. Help Joe achieve his goals

10. Continue to develop business/career ideas - networking, scoping, future jobs, locations

11. Strip and varnish floors in dining room and hall way

My top 10 of 2010

Top 10 of 2010 (not in order of 2010), plus some others!

1.  Finished the house off, after 3 years!  Lovely carpets and kitchen

2. Holiday in America

3. Julie and Andy's wedding in Paris

4. Two trips to posh hotel in Leamington Spa 

5. I started my blog

6. I went part-time at work and established work-life balance

7.  I found my confidence, and a focus for my future of how I see myself making a living

8. I got regular massage customers

9. Holiday in York

10. Family Party in July

11. I was kinder to myself/felt good about relaxing and doing what I want to do

12. I decided to move on in my career

13. I lost 1st 9lb (in the first three months of the year!!)

14. Andrea introduced me to Cadbury Wishes - thank you!

Epiphany

On the eve of Epiphany, I can't say I've had one, but it's my first post of 2011 and have a few good things to report so far

1. I have stuck to my new healthy eating regime for two days in a row!
2. I have just written my top 10 things that happened in 2010 and 11 things to do in 2011.  Although 2010 felt pants in many ways, doing this top ten of the bright side helped me see it was a good year too.  I actually found 15 good things.
3. For the first time ever, a car I own passed its MOT without needing any work done.
4. Christmas and New Year were ace.  I had a great time chez Hopkin, Mathieson, Bright, Kakoullis and Cawston.  Ami-Mai and Ethan were such a bundle of non-stop fun, and I spent nice time at home doing nothing in particular. I also got some really ace presents - thank you!
5. I have started teaching Joe how to play the bass, and we spent an afternoon playing some songs together which was so ace.  He is a natural.  It's really brill because music and Joe are two of the most important things in my life and both make me feel the best of me, so to be combining the two is a huge blessing.  Joe seemed to enjoy it loads too.
6. My mum and dad went on their own holidays, and both had a brilliant time and came back safe and sound.  I think it's good they can go their separate ways and enjoy their own interests.  I know it helps them keep their relationship positive.